Am I depressed?

I have decided to make a diary in order to find myself and control my feelings, Desires and anger.

Today my father woke me up to tell me he found me a Job at the paper shop delivering papers.Im sick of him and my mom pushing me to get a job because

Im only fithteen i dont think im mature enough to have that kind of resposibility even though it means I get money I would rather not have this job because I need to know what I want I life. I dont know what my feelings are untill someone hurts me other than that when I think about my feelings I just push them away because I dont wanna think about them.I think people think im strong but im not I hurt so bad inside I just am so messed up I dont know myself or whats right or wrong.Ive quit school because of these reasons and the fact I hate that school, Sometimes I wish I had the Chance to have what other people had and I think I would have came out differnt but I dont know for sure.It feels like to me theres a person with so much passion for things and life but its coverd by something lonley and dark. I have dreams to travel the world and go to the places Ive always wanted to go but I think its to late for me now because i have no qulifcations or anything for that matter so I could never afford to go, I know I want this but thats all I know I want. Then theres my mom and dad constantly calling fat and lasy my dad said today "Hold on let me get a stick out the gardan and put a ragg on it so you can wipe your self with it for when I get fat, but im not even fat I gain a little weight because I was allways thin And unhappy with my weight and I didnt want to be thin I think I still am because I can fit in a top uk size 4.Theres many reasons why Im not happy some of them are that, People push me away and dont want me like friends, People at my school and family.Im a dreamer and I hurt myself by dreaming of things I could never touch, I cover my true feelings with material goods even If Its only small , and always thinking people only want me to humiliate me or use me. Im very Insecure of myself.and If my mom or dad was to read this I would feel so stupid because I know they would laugh at me and so Im mad.Ive Only just scratched the surface thers still more I wanna let out like my 10year old sister who still sleeps on my mom and dads bedroom floor! me and her dont get along people say its because theres a 5 year differents but I think its because shes so naughty and most of the time mom takes her side.a month ago I couldnt stand her one bit she was playing up so bad and playing me up too I was so sad she was making me cry. Just wanted to kill her and I kept shouting at her if just walked in the room I know I dont want to be like that with her and I know sometimes it me but I a two way thing and she's not interested.Since I was about 10 I was deciding what I wanted to be when I grow up and I wanted to be a hair dresser untill I was 13 then a dancer then at school I thought I would look after kids But no way I could do that now I have a passion for dancing and its never gone away but I need training and in my state thers no chance.I think I have a short fuse but I also think its mainly because im not happy.Right know the only thing that springs to mind is I wanna just fly but thats just silly.I have a best friend her names charlotte shes been my friend since she moved in about 8years ago shes my only bestfriend and somtimes I feel llike she lets me down and It hurts me because I feel like she doesnt care and theres times when I let her down or shout at her because Im sad its not that I dont care Its just that Im unhappy.Part of me wants to go places and do great things and the other just wants to lay around and carry on the way I am but I know Its pushing me more and more into the dark and loosing evrything so I have to do something,

A couple of months ago I was hilusinating at 3 in the morning cry and screaming and panicing and shaking and basiclly in a mess And I belive it was my conchance telling me Im not happy My dad says I was having a waking dream but belive different.People always say i look depressed and pale maybe they are right.

I know I need help but Im scared to Be helped

xox cristie xox

Am I depressed?

dear cristie

hang in there it will get better.

you have a long way to go and having some one younger in the house can be difficult to cope with especially when your being so pushed by your parents. keeping a diary will help with the way you feel and you can always look back over the days weeks months or years and work out how you felt with regards to events that have taken place in your life, but all of this may not mean much to you right now but i can assure you that it will get better,

dont panick

if you can find time when one or both of your parents are not busy then do try to approach them with regards to the way you feel, and maybe just maybe they will listen.

your not messed up your just misunderstood by those that you love.

i dont think your to young for a paper round or something of that nature, it may do you some good to get out of the house for a while during the day.

ime 36 years old and there are days when i feel like you believe me its not just when your young, i could go on and on cristie and give all sorts of advise some could be good some you could see as crap but please just hang in there and try to have a good time.

you wil eventualy build a better bond with your sister i promise and yes you will always argue

your mum and dad will take her side over alot of things and a lot of the time, the reason for this is that you are older and therefore more responsible, this is a mistake all parents make, i know because i make the same mistake with my oldest girl, i know its not right but it just happens,

you need to finish school though, just for the simple reason of needing the exams, you havent got long to go and school will be finished and then you will have all the world in front of you.

once again hang in there girl and you will go far, one of the most positive things about it is you recognise the things that are wrong which means you have made the first move, WELL DONE

GOOD LUCK TO YOU FOR THE FUTURE and keep true to yourself no matter what people say

mike

Am I depressed?

your on the right track and keep that journal it can keep u stay sane.